Ameloblasto...whosawhat??

Okay students, pull up your chairs, and you will get yet another lecture on Jackie's medical maladies...this one is all about me...me, me, me!! That's right, I actually took the time out of my hectic life to have my own medical crisis...the nerve!! Well, in all fairness, I allowed myself this medical "LOA" about 9 years ago when life was so much simpler; Cameron was a newborn and I had one of those awesome corporate cushy jobs...as Archie and Edith sang, those were the days!! Those days came to a screeching halt after a routine trip to the dentist the day before I was to return to work from my maternity leave. I had my regular teeth cleaning and a full set of xrays done, since I naturally avoided xrays (and the dentist altogether) during the pregnancy. When Doc Randy brought in my xrays and said he saw a "suspicious mass" in my right mandible/jawbone, I really thought nothing much of it. I was only 30, and bad stuff just doesn't happen to brand new mommies, and they certainly don't happen to me!! My ignorance was briefly bliss! So Doc Randy made me an appointment to have it biopsied...okay, when the word biopsy got thrown out there, I got nervous...they arranged for the new doctor, an oral surgeon, to see me the very next morning, first thing...this only added to my growing nervousness.

Okay friends, at this point, I'm still believing it would be nothing more than a simple "scooping out" of the area in question, maybe a dissolvable stitch or 2, and I'd be on my merry way! Well the little biopsy was simple enough, and it didn't hurt that the dentist was a hottie, even by my husband's standards. The "results call" came a few days later, and they asked me to come in for a consultation...gulp. So off we went to get what we realized wasn't going to be good news...new mommy, new daddy with new baby in tow, all piled into the doctor's office, the twilight zone. I sat outside of my body listening in as the hot doctor explained that I had an Ameloblastoma, a rare and aggressive tumor that is most usually benign. This type of tumor is often associated with bony-impacted wisdom teeth, which mine were—one of the many reasons dentists recommend having them extracted. The rest of what he said sorta sounded like blah blah blather blah...but this is what I ended up absorbing through osmosis...Jackie has a big ass tooth tumor, eating its way through her jawbone on the right side of her face. Because it is such an aggressive type of tumor, with a 99% recurrence rate, they must "re-sect my jaw"...and with that, hot doctor was gone to call yet another doctor, who does "this type" of work.

On to the next doctor, who after closely examining my xrays and test results wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole...he was the kindly gent who explained to me that they would be cutting nerves during the procedure...which meant permanent loss of feeling in the lower right side of my face. This took some getting used to, the idea of not feeling kisses, lip biting, or food hanging there embarrassingly (all my peeps now have the "clear their throat" code, alerting me of food danglers). Then he was off, to consult with the team at Shands Hospital (Go Gators!). Lucky me, my condition was so rare, they wanted me right away...allowing me to cut ahead of many others on their waiting list. The annual incidence rate per million for ameloblastomas for white females is .44... hey, that makes me special - I truly am one in a million!!

So our 2 year journey to Shands Hospital began. This is a mere 2 hours from my house, so it was never a problem to just go up there every couple of days...never being able to go alone, because I was either unconscious or in agony after most visits. Fortunately my doctor/surgeon was an experienced fatherly type who appreciated my sarcastic wit, as I did his...and since Shands is a learning hospital, we were surrounded by beautiful young interns (fond memories and a shout out to Travis, and his never ending prescription pad). This made an unbearable situation bearable. As did the unwavering support of my husband Scott, coupled with Kim's willingness to drop everything and babysit and care for Cameron, made this a doable nightmare.

So the fatherly doctor outlined the procedure(s) in simple English for me. First up, get that tumor outta there! Dr Dad and his team of cutiepies planned on cutting my jawbone from the mandible (think the jaw hinge beside your ear) to the middle of my chin. They would be replacing my jawbone temporarily with a piece of bent steel, shaped sorta like someone's jaw..although I am thinking it was intended for Jay Leno...anyways, I got to wear that beauty for about 8 weeks. Next up, the "real" surgery (wtf...what was that first surgery, Dr Dad?!) which was promised to be a bit more "extensive". Again, WTF...more extensive then severing my jaw bone and the accompanying nerves and removing it from the outside of my face...rendering me with a scar reminiscent of "Frankenjaw"??...Okay doc, whatcha got?? Next Jackie, we will replace that ugly, crude Jay Leno jaw of steel with...a cadaver jawbone. Oh, okay, that is better...part of a dead guy's face...but wait, there's more!! We will inject this cadaver bone with real live marrow out of...your own hip!! That's right, 2 - 2 - 2 surgeries for the price of 1 (small home)...and as a bonus, we'll throw in mandatory wiring of your mouth shut for 6 weeks (3 days, 7 hours and 22 minutes...). Wow, all this at once, just for me...and an additional souvenir scar on my hip too...gee, I hardly know what to say. Which turns out is a good thing, since I didn't get to say anything the entire time my mouth was wired shut...by now I think you understand how utterly taxing that task was for me...it was indeed the most painful part of the entire ordeal. I say this in jest, but it was truly horrible, not being able to make mommy noises at my 3 month old...Christ, to even get out of bed to see him at all was difficult. I couldn't hold him, kiss him and even worried that I scared the poor thing. My husband would bring Cameron in and lay him on the bed beside me, until he moved and inadvertently hit my jaw or hip, and had to be removed. My diet consisted of Ensure, smoothies and milkshakes, all 3 of which I still hate to this day. And you know it's bad when commercials for Snackwell cookies, and the smell of microwaved hot dogs are appealing!! After the wires were removed, there were endless trips back to the hospital to get my jaw opening properly and returned to it's regular rapid fire range of motion. Of course, this was all to prep me for the NEXT surgery...the one where I got some fancy new teeth to replace the ones they removed in the first surgery. While most women dream of breast implants, Jackie got dental implants...yeah, people are always asking if they're real too...huh!

So after 3 surgeries, 2 implants, 2 ugly scars, the loss of feeling in the lower right side of my face, and a hefty medical bill, I am left looking for my silver lining. There's actually a few...first of all, I had an awesome unlimited prescription for Vicodin; secondly, I EASILY dropped all of my baby weight and even an extra 10 on top of that (although it was a painful and expensive diet plan) Third, it cured me of my TMJ - temporomandibular joint disorder (removing the mandible tends to do that...) and lastly but most importantly - I gained a perspective on how fragile life is and what is truly important at the end of each day. I end this lengthy lecture with a begging reminder to see your dentist annually for xrays...it saved my life! That's all, class dismissed!!