I say this in reference to what last Christmas brought to us, via "Santa Claus", bringer of joy and merriment...and Blitzen. Oh, I wish I could say this was his reindeer, merely stopping by to have a cookie and drop off some presents. Nope...Blitzen the reindeer assisted in dropping off Blitzen the dog...Yipee, a puppy for Christmas...every child's dream...and my worst nightmare!! Understand, I am an animal lover...always have been, thought I always would be. Before breeding/birthing my own biological "pups", I was a petition signing, card carrying member of the ASPCA, and constant contributor to PETA and the World wildlife fund...By way of thanks, they sent me so many complimentary address labels that it would never be cost effective for me to move...After the babies, however, I had to switch my focus to the: Feed, Shelter, Clothe, and Educate My Own Children Fund. Pretty worthwhile cause all in all. So as our beloved old family dog of 15 years was courting death, it was decided that a new dog would be "good" for the kids...as memories of bike riding with our own childhood dogs running joyfully along side began to flow..(now, personally I had no such memory, nor could I envision either of my boys in this scenario, but none the less...) the decision was made. So 3 days before Christmas, "Satan"..oops, I mean, "Santa Claus" called our house...jolly old fellow told the grown ups, as the children listened in, they had a very important "mission". Since Christmas was rapidly approaching and time was running out, he needed our help with a very special gift. Leaving the excited children behind, we flew out the door, with hopes of returning with a small, desirable puppy, naturally from a shelter (we NEVER pay for pets, there are so many wonderful free ones to be had!)
The shelter thing didn't prove to be so lucrative. After inspecting all twenty something Pit Bulls, we were getting discouraged. Believe me, I appreciate the beauty of the breed, and have known several sweet, loving and even timid /docile Pits. However, I did not personally know any of these dogs or their histories...as I envisioned the Pit Bull I used to watch hanging from a roped tire by his mouth for what appeared hours on end, I realized adopting such a powerful dog may be dangerous in my home filled with 5 small, unaware and autistic children...just wouldn't be prudent (and they would no doubt attempt to "ride 'em cowboy!).
So we inspected our 2 non-Pit Bull selections. The first dog, Sandy, spent her entire time out of the cage pulling in the opposite direction from us, choking herself all the while.. so although she was cute, no dice. Our next and final contestant was a 10 month old unnamed female, with the sweetest face...and although she was about 7 times the size we were envisioning, she snowed us with her undeniable charm (and snowy white coat). And so 20 minutes and 20 dollars later (she was actually on sale, which should have clued us in..) we were the proud owner of Blitzen, the trash can dog. Her name, we decided, worked because, hey, it was Christmas, and the kids liked the whole reindeer thing...plus it was a reference to the Blitzburg Steelers, whom we love and cherish in my house. Little did we know what it really en"tailed"...she was Blitzen alright...blitzen through the garbage cans, blitzen through the neighborhood, blitzen through the cat food AND litter box...She also blitzed a big hole in our fence, so she could blitz on down the alley at her convenience and knock over all the neighbor's garbage cans, selecting her preferred items (which unfortunately include the neighbor's brand of diapers...or whatever the hell that kid is eating anyway..) and bringing them back into our yard. So we enjoy our daily Sanitation Duties which begin in our backyard and extend up and down the entire alley. (In hindsight I am thinking the caller that fateful day was not Santa Claus at all, but in fact Sanitation Claus...).
So as you can see, it was initially "ruff"...the kids failed to see the "puppy" in this pony sized pet; and yes, 3 out of 5 have tried to ride her. Blitzen can easily bowl them over when she insistently and incessantly licks their faces (to get whatever food particles are stuck there). She also likes appendage chewing, non discriminate...kids taste as good as adults...awww, the puppy is teething. Great. She firmly believed all the Christmas presents were hers; as she gnawed the arm off of Holiday Barbie, popped the Sponge Bob Bouncy Ball, and chewed, subsequently swallowing 101 Littlest Pet Shop accoutrement's. Of course you know how I realized she swallowed them...not completely potty trained, she was kind enough to shit them back out. I made an executive decision on that one...flush...
So by day 5, needless to say, I was cynical. As I was hovered over the kitchen sink, pondering this pet, I heard the delightful sounds of children's laughter...looking up through the kitchen window into the backyard, I saw this new dog running as our 3 small typ's gleefully chased after her. Humph...imagine that Jackie, you naysayer...the actual purpose for which we intended with this dog was occurring before my very eyes. This beautiful bonding of children and their pet...Awww..whatthefuckisthat? Look closer...what is that in the dog's mouth? Let me preface this with the fact that Santa also brought an easel with chalk and paints; which we had set up outside for the kiddies creative mess making delight. Okay, back to the dog, the kids and the glee...and the WTF?? Upon my closer inspection, I realized Blitzen had selected a full bottle of paint from the easel, and was merrily munching down on it as this game of chase ensued. The paint squirting out with each and every leap and chomp, blowing back in her big white puppy face, also blowing back onto various body parts of the giggling, pursuing mob. As I ran towards the backyard, I asked myself this one simple question...why oh why did it have to be the RED paint?? At least green paint could pass as a grass stain, right? So I quickly disbanded the frivolity, and chose to leave the aftermath that now resembled a massacre, or at best a multiple murder scene. The dog now looking like Cujo, the children; her victim's...As I have mentioned before, I try to find or make "silver linings" wherever I can. So in keeping with that life mantra, I paraded the children and new dog proudly through the neighborhood, so our neighbors knew not to fuck with us or our new dog, cuz Cujo will fricking kill ya...and we'll bury you in our newly designed backyard Pet Cemetery...in a pile of garbage!
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